Ecclesiastes

What can I say that has not already been said

Long ago by someone much smarter, now dead?

and that which is done is that which shall be done

and there is no new thing under the sun

The sun rises and sets, my hands never idle

I've even borrowed these phrases from mine own bible

"All is vanity" said the teacher, and I'll admit that seems true

But nevertheless I see meaning in you

"Who am I?" -The Question Asked by Every Cliched High School Graduate.

I went through a brief period of time--let's say around middle school--where I asked everybody how I should do my hair. If you go check my old Myspace, now an eternal memorial to my childhood memories, you will see polls asking everyone what hair I should go for.

I got a lot of mixed responses: people saying this is how you should look, people saying they like how it looks now, people saying they miss my old hair, and so on.

Nobody could seem to come to a consensus.

In retrospect, I ask myself why I cared so much about my hair. After all, my hair is just what stands upon my head, and it doesn't really reflect who I am. It's just so materialistic. To worry about my hair is to be vain; to spend money trying to do anything with it is to waste money on trying to meet a societal standard. Why do I care?

Why did I care so much? Perhaps it's that it doesn't reflect who I am. I think I have a repressed urge to show everybody who I want to be. I am in a constant state of displeasure because I am constantly waiting--wanting to fulfill who I really want to be. Who I am.

 In reality, I didn't care about anyone's suggestions. I just wanted some measure of exactly how outrageous what I had in mind was. I was asking people what they wanted because I was so afraid to be myself. Typical middle-school bullshit, really. 

To borrow a phrase from Queen: I Want to Break Free.

I know what you're thinking:

Whoa, Eric... you're blogging, talking about your hair, saying you're scared to be yourself, and now you're quoting one of the most flamboyantly homosexual celebrities in the last hundred years? ...Are you finally coming out of the closet? 

No, but I want to!

Not in the way the phrase is commonly used, by any means, but yes, I want to come out of my closet, my shell. I want to take a step--a leap--a bound out of my comfort zone.

I'm tired of being described as enigmatic, a "mystery."  My family, who know my disposition and my general demeanor well, know nothing of my values and my thoughts on the world. My friends just don't spend enough time with me to know anything beyond what little scraps of myself I leave on social networks, and the memories of actions and brief statements I made in high school.

So what do I do?

                 If I've learned anything from these thoughts, I just shouldn't care.

I Saw in Louisiana a Live-Oak Growing

I saw in Louisiana a live-oak growing,

All alone stood it, and the moss hung down from the           branches;

Without any companion it grew there, uttering joyous           leaves of dark green,

And its look, rude, unbending, lusty, made me think           of myself;

But I wonder'd how it could utter joyous leaves,          standing alone there, without its friend, its           lover near—for I knew I could not;

And I broke off a twig with a certain number of           leaves upon it, and twined around it a little           moss,

And brought it away—and I have placed it in sight in           my room;

It is not needed to remind me as of my own dear           friends,

(For I believe lately I think of little else than of           them;)

Yet it remains to me a curious token—it makes me           think of manly love;

—For all that, and though the live-oak glistens there           in Louisiana, solitary, in a wide flat space,

Uttering joyous leaves all its life, without a friend, a           lover, near,

I know very well I could not.

-Walt Whitman

Brainstorm.

Sometimes, I f you just sit back in your comfort zone, you can feel the whole world in a different way. Whether it be an old treehouse, or a fort you made in your room, or a zone that you can go to and just be safe.... Being in these areas of fantasties brings you closer to your childhood dreams. Childhood dreams are the most important party in terms of developing happiness. When one makes one's own childhood spirit to come out, one is happy.

Sit down and think. Just.... think. Let go of all mental standards you may have. Think of societal standards, and misguided illogical fantasies go from your mind. Immerse yourself in the wholeness of who you are. Not just the person you use all day long to make yourself pretend you are happy. Imagine the real you. Your soul. Your inner self.
Identify that core of you, and explore it. Do you have fantastical self side? Is it adventurous and happy? If you do find sadness, try to envision and imagine it escaping from its chains to give you more muscle in this time of need.

A glass of orange juice sure should hit the spot about now, now wouldn't it?

But, cmon, I can't be the person I want to be. At this point the pretense vexes my and contours my body and mindscape.

That would be ludichris. or anarchist? I always get the two confused?

I think as man becomes more miserable, he also becomes more self-aware. Suffering breeds a persons inner beckoning soul.

What's up with the vampire trend? It's so 90's. Ooooooh, look at me, I'm a frick frackin vampire. It doesn't matter. It's a glam-love story genre with a twist. Every romance movie ends the same, so I don't understand why that matters. Girls are stupid, because at guys at least have enough sense to not like romance movies. I mean, you put up with the lame jokes they have to tack along to "the mind-coaster of love-esque" series of moves that follow. HAve variety.

and by that I mean, add a couple of tragic things.

Barbie meets Prince Charming, they both get married, and then can't produce kids.

Ken and Marrisa get together, but Marrisa turns gay and leaves Ken.

Rocky and Bruce Lee get married, but they live an unhappy life due to the negative stereotypic homophobic town they are in, who have made them both  feel unwanted and socially scared.


Give me two shakes here, just here me out,
put the batters on the stage and get carry out,
because the sheep in the kitchen and the whistles on the stove and the bells in your nose and we all so gone

Eat it up
Put the sandwhich in yo mouf
Eat it up
Zip it up and pass it out
Eat it up stick your hands in the air
Wind it out and the the girls on the floor to pout
Eat it up, whit those feet up before they get gout.

My minds so far,
My love so sweet.
Can't bear it out
Can't skip the beat.

Lookin on the left but I'm swinging on the right,
Flying up but my stomach and my mouth gets tickely

Everybody knowwwwws

Paradigm mshmaradime. Market Capitalism, Reagonomics! Enjoy the knowlege on the summit.

Whats the difference between me and who I want to be?
Unhappiness, and that's a fact.

I feel like I miss the weird kid I used to be. Why can't I be as fly and as full of spunk as my kids-side.

I'm not tony stark, but that'd be nice.
It'd be nice to have any argument in the master-debate, which we call life.

I mean, I wouldn't mind being labeled "country" or "hick" or "hipster" or "punk" or "emo" or "a bitch", it wouldn't matter, as long as I would do a good job at being one of those lables. Good point, know?

Two thousand thousand beats are heard, in every slice of every word. and by the time you realize that we're on the same page,
It's be a dang shame becaues the master si away.

I want you to like me,
I want my sould to sing,
But I want my ring and my christ-a-mas things!

I'm so tired, so tired of pretending,

Because nobody is their true-self around their friends. Not entirely. Everyone is unique.

But at the same time, we always want to be something, and something extreme my friend.

The devil disguises the master devises a plan for us all.
and who knows and who? Because the rule is ah is...

Climb up abord, and ahhhh the bus in La beckons me!

I arrive in the streets, and I'm scared at the beats, all the ludichris things that they want me to be.
 I follow what everyone says to me and we go out the door and give me reason to be.


I would like to be in the city, where I can meet people. I feel like I am way too saturated by the people that I am around, that I forget how MANY people there are in cities. If I lived in the middle of any city, I would never see the same person just "around" twice! because you'd be saturated with people you DON'T know.

Expectations, I don't wanna hear it.
... but none of you do.

Just let yourself go and subcribe to me,
worship the things that I say.
Because we all know I'm not goodenough,
TO go the places we'll go.

Alive and we'll say to the the company that
nothing is right, its all wrong for you
But you feel the lake, and the lakes brown waters ands o
we can't even do what we want to do.

Go back to the house and the introduction and we'll get
to intro duce an intro duction which will sub
scribe our thoughts into our name and,
exersise the right to get wrong again.

Alive and we'll say to the the company that 

nothing is right, its all wrong for you

But you feel the lake, and the lakes brown waters ands o

we can't even do what we want to do.

sweep the mop on the floor,
as I breath and I inhale all the pollen from this flower.
stop and think if i'm ignored and 

you'll see all the pain which I have suffered. 

Diamonds fall, but humans fail.

Dry it up and put a cherry on top.
Nah? then forget it I'm done of this crop.
Let us rejoice, and fulfill our name,

then hold on together, lest you go insane.

Call it an antidote, or call it a smile, 

I'll give you and anticdote, you're bound to be like a child,

so happy to be so happy to see, 

but either way, we're too excited to be insane. 

Manifest. 

Now it's time for a lovely mind journey.

Close your mind and imagine the following scenario, evaluating each line as your read it.

Imagine yourself in a completely white room. Everything is white, the chair, the table, the doors. You feel very clean. You are wearing comfy clothes which make you feel as if you're back from a shower after a week of camping. They have pictures of your childhood favorite shows on the pants. You feel happy. Looking over, you see a bed with white sheets. You lay in it and it is so comfy. Beds which are not yours are always more comfy. You look back at the chair which you were sitting at, and you see your biggest fear. At first you are overcome with timidity. Then you are overcome with the realization that you are not scared. You can approach it impersonally. You can observe what it really is. Objects which we fear are always shadowed in terms of objectivity...

Eat it nerd.

Freethought

       "Do not go upon what has been acquired by repeated hearing; nor upon tradition; nor upon rumor; nor upon what is in a scripture; nor upon surmise; nor upon an axiom; nor upon specious reasoning; nor upon a bias towards a notion that has been pondered over; nor upon another's seeming ability; nor upon the consideration, 'The monk is our teacher.'....you yourselves know: 'These things are bad; these things are blameable; these things are censured by the wise; undertaken and observed, these things lead to harm and ill, abandon them. "...Do not accept anything by mere tradition... Do not accept anything just because it accords with your scriptures... Do not accept anything merely because it agrees with your pre-conceived notions... But when you know for yourselves—these things are moral, these things are blameless, these things are praised by the wise, these things, when performed and undertaken, conduce to well-being and happiness—then do you live acting accordingly."

                                 Gautama Buddha

Obituary

Justin Andrew Parker, 17, of Park Hills, Missouri,  was born on December 29, 1992, in Dover, Delaware. He departed this life on September 8, 2010. He was a senior at Central High School and member of the Swing Choir, Honor Choir, Marching and Jazz Band, Wrestling and Golf Team. He was a member of the Esther Gospel Tabernacle Church.

He is survived by: Parents, Mark and Shelly Parker; brother, Cameron Parker; sister, Brittany Parker; grandparents, Lillian and the late Rev. Denver Parker, Frank and the late Sheila Horn, and Jim and Cathy Kerr; special friend, Eric Marler. Other Relatives and many friends also survive.

Dreams

     Dreams are fantasy worlds. For one second, everything's the way it should be; Cities made of Emerald, castles made of sand, and kingdoms ruled by an eccentric Queen of Hearts.

    Nothing goes wrong in my dreams. In fact, everything works very smoothly.  There’s no bad grades, no rotten popcorn kernels, no fruity pebbles cemented to the bowl. Cars never have flat tires, doors are never locked. Even if something bad does happen, it’s okay. There are ways around every misfortune. If I came across a locked door, it’s an adventure to find the key-holder! Even if it’s not smooth, it’s a heart-racing thriller. Explosions, car racing, and chasing a white rabbit for answers.

     Well, they used to be like that, anyway.

     Back in the day, my dreams were pretty badass. Samurais beat the shit out of each-other, cartoon characters came to life. Sometimes, I was trapped in video games. Or—better yet—the classic "cookie factory" dreams. Everyone has some version of the cookie factory dream.
You know, those dreams where you’re in a factory with something you really like, like cookies, and you have an infinite supply of them.  Strange thing about the cookie factory dreams, though; when I would be stuck in the cookie factory, I couldn’t find any cookies. There would be plenty of curling irons, but no, if I wanted a cookie, I’d have to go all the way across the street to the barber shop. Of course, that’d be too much work. Plus, I’m very content with unlimited curling irons. I can make myself look pretty. 

Hey, I did say dreams are fantasy worlds, right?  Don’t judge.

     Nowadays, my dreams are much more normal. But they’re better now. I am happier dreaming than I ever was before. Back when I dreamed those fanciful dreams, my real life wasn’t so different from my dreams, with the exception of one or two physical impossibilities. I mean, when I was younger, my life was a fantasy. I excelled at everything. I had good grades. Plans. Ideas of right and wrong. A drive. A Best Friend.  

The world seemed fair. 

     It was a fantasy world. 

     Now, I dream of the life I used to have. I dream I’m motivated. Nobody’s mad at me. In fact, I get a lot of apologies. I’m hardly working at all, and yet I’m still the best in the world at what I do. 

    More importantly, though, I dream of having friends. Actual friends; not a million acquaintances. They’re all a bit stereotypical and out-of-the-box sitcom-like, but that’s okay; these friends know me.

     The best dreams, though, are the ones where he’s back. We’ll sit and play video games. He’ll get mad, curse, scream (and so will I). We’ll be at work, slacking off in the basement. He’ll make fun of me, or do one of his famous impressions. Maybe he’ll draw a picture of a fish combined with a lamp, and name it a “Lampalafish”. 

     Sometimes we’ll just talk. I’ll ask him why he did it. He’ll rub the marks on his neck and apologize. He'll tell me he’s sorry for making me love him so much. He’ll tell me that he’s sorry that I worked so hard to help him, only to have him abandon me. For making me realize how terrible and unfair the world is. He’ll say he wasn’t thinking, and it was irrational. He’ll tell me he’ll never leave me again. For that one instant I am perfectly happy. For one instant, everything in the universe feels balanced and controlled. I feel powerful, like I can do anything.

“Sorry, Mista Marla, I’ll never leave you again.”

Then I wake up.
I’m confused. I wonder where he is.
I look at my tear-stained pillow and realize it was just a dream.Again. It was all just in a dream.

    Just in a dream. 

    I don’t dream about adventure or gaining super powers. I don’t fantasize about silly things that appeal to me… I guess it’s just that I don’t want those things anymore. I don’t care about those things. I just want my best friend back. I want to know everything going to be okay. 

   I wake up, and nothing is okay. I don’t really think anything ever will be.